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Everyday Peacemaker

I Caught My Spouse Looking at Porn.

by P. Brian Noble / October 1, 2018

Question: What do I do? I caught my spouse looking at pornography.

Often times conflict comes into our marriages because of choices that one spouse has made. One of the questions we are frequently asked at Peacemaker Ministries is: “What do I do? I caught my spouse looking at porn.”

First I am sorry that you are experiencing this pain, betrayal, and injustice. I know that you may feel very alone, and there is never an easy answer to this question. However I want to lay a foundation from the beginning for the path forward.You must realize that it will be a long, rocky, and uphill journey; don’t give up on the way.

Second please understand that this is only a 700-word blog post. You are going to need additional help so donot hesitate to call Peacemaker Ministries. We have additional resources that can help you as youtravel this road.

For now, Psalm 25:10 can comfort and guide you as you move down the path, navigating this experience.

Scripture:  Psalm 25:10 (NASB95)

All the paths of the Lord are loving-kindnessand truth to those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.

 

The Path of a Peacemaker: Get on God’s Path

The first and most important step to begin the journey of reconciliationwith your spouse is to get on God’s Path. You can’t stay on your own path and find peace. You must follow the trail God has established for you.

See, your path might say:“I will free my spouse from porn.” Wrong Path. You cannot free your spouse. Jesus is the only one who can free your spouse. Remember what Jesus says in Luke 4:18–19 (NASB95), “‘The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord.’” He—Jesus—was anointed to bring freedom. You were not.

Your path might say, “It is my fault my spouse looked at porn.” Wrong Path. Your spouse’s sin is not your fault. They are responsible for themselves. Your spouse may try and blame you or claim you were unavailable. Don’t drink in those lies. Your spouse is responsible for his or herown behavior. Not you.

 

God’s path is loving-kindnessand truth. Let’s look at what that means.

 

The Path of a Peacemaker: God’s Path is one ofloving-kindnessand Truth.

God will demonstrate balanced love and truth to your spouse. He will also do the same for you. He is not going to excuse, ignore, or say that pornography is acceptable. That would not be the truth. God is also not going to throw you or your spouse to the curb. That would be unloving and unkind. He doesn’t give up on you. He doesn’t abandon you. He is going to call you and your spouse to purity and compassion.

So what do you do to follow God’s path of loving-kindnessand truth? You present your spouse the same thing God does: balanced love and truth. Show love and be extremely truthful. Be incrediblykind and yet be whollyhonest.

 

I know. I know. This may all seem too simple. However, it is the beginning of the path and not the end.

Here are some questions that will help you make it through this conflict.

Question #1: What outside help do we need to get to successfully walk through this conflict?

Question #2: What behaviors have I been making up excuses for in my spouse?

Question #3: What guilt or shame am I taking on that I should not be taking on?

Question #4: What is embarrassing to me right now?

Question #5: What is my greatest fear in this situation?

 

What is the bottom line when it comes to a spouse who is watching pornography?

Know that God has a path to help you make it through this trial. And call us at Peacemaker Ministries. We want to walk with you through this time, and we have some great resources to help you. 1-800-711-7118.

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: The Path of a Peacemaker

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P. Brian Noble

P. Brian Noble

P. Brian Noble is an everyday guy who loves Jesus. He has been married to his best friend, Tanya, for 20 years and they have four children; they currently reside in eastern Washington. Brian has a Master of Arts in missional leadership from Northwest University. He is the Executive Director/CEO of Peacemaker Ministries. An ordained minister for the past 20+ years (3 years as a Youth Pastor, 14 years as a Senior Pastor, and 4 years as an Executive Pastor), he proclaims hope through the gospel message as the Holy Spirit empowers believers in their daily walk. He believes in the power of the Word of God to transform lives. He has been a Certified Christian Conciliator since 2008, with 1000+ hours of conflict coaching and mediation experience. His caseload has ranged from husband and wife cases, to family farm, to public schools, and even county government. Brian has taught peacemaking in local jails and even internationally in Uganda. His hope is that every Christian reconciles their differences in a way that glorifies God. His hope is that every Christian recognizes they are a Peacemaker before they try to do peacemaking. Finally, his hope is that every Christian reconciles by making authentic peace that blends justice, mercy, and humility.

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